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I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
Two weeks later, still obsessed with The Police.
Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. -- Proverbs
On a whim I clicked over to my LiveJournal. I haven't posted there since I started this blog. I had been thinking of this blog as sort of a new thing, but I went back and looked, and I've been at this web-based journal/blog thing for three and a half years now.
My writing hasn't gotten much better though.
Whoa. I just had an Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink. Normally the effects from similar drinks on me are mild, but I feel pretty swimmy right now.
I gotta MOVE!
So, lately I've been pretty disillusioned with everything, as you, my faithful audience1 may have noticed from this entry. This comes at a time when I'm completely overworked and completely insecure, so it's not really surprising. Also, I started school again and began to seriously consider the prospect of law school after I graduate. So, this begs the question, why?
Well, I guess it makes sense to beg the greater question, which I've never really treated very seriously in these pages before. The greater question is, who the hell am I?
At work, I'm an IT System Administrator for a small defense contractor called Recon/Optical, Inc. I do everything from replace mice and upgrade hard drives to firewall support to UNIX administration. We have a Cisco/phone guy, a database/applications lady, an older gent that does some miscellany, my boss, and me. My boss and I handle everything Windows and UNIX related. For the number of users, our IT operation is pretty small, so I wear a lot of hats.
Academically, I finally got my Associate's in Arts from College of DuPage just over a year ago. I'm currently attending Roosevelt University, studying English with a concentration in creative writing. I don't really know what I'll do with the degree, but I do know that I've put off getting it for way too long. My parents are pushing me toward law school, but the more I think about it, the more I think that doing law is just more of being a technician. I don't want to be a technician forever. Then again, if I have to be a technician, I might as well make screamingly good money so I can afford to buy a couple of nice guitars, right? Meh, I dunno.
Outside of all that, I play music. I play guitar and sing in a band called Counterpunch, and I happen to record all of our stuff in my home studio. We're currently working on an album to be released in December on Radtone Records. And, right now, by we I mean I. Not that the other guys don't help when they can, but I'm the guy that has the equipment and aptitude to record/mix, so right now I have the lion's share of work. I've been in a bunch of other bands that, if you don't know me personally, you've probably never heard of. I think you can find a few records in Best Buy with my name in the thank-you list, though, which is kind of cool.
At home, I live in a house in the suburbs, where I have my home studio and some computers to keep me company. I also have a roommate that plays drums in another Chicago punk band. We tend to stay out of each other's hair, so there isn't too much drama on that front. I hang out with my girlfriend Kristen when I have time. I have a really good relationship with my parents, which I'm told is rather weird. But, whatever, my parents are cool.
So, what's wrong with that? Not much, I guess. My main problem right now is that I am way overcommitted to a whole bunch of different things.
As any IT guy will tell you, work is pretty thankless most of the time. I get a bit of time here and there to check the news or blogs or whatever, but for the most part I'm up to my eyeballs in Microsoft specifications or backup software manuals or something. Either that or dealing with people lined up three-deep outside my office waiting to tell me their horror story about their computer. I work late hours sometimes, usually when it's most inconvenient to my personal life.
Things with Kristen are good. I like her and she likes me, and we have some problems but we are working them out. We have been seeing each other for a little over a year and a half.
School is actually really awesome. I love reading, I've always loved it, and I'm taking two classes right now that serve up a lot of it. One is Intro to Literary Analysis, which I call Anal Lit, since it makes my inner fratboy laugh. One is British Literature to 1789, which I simply call Brit Lit, because I can't think of anything clever to say about it. Both of my teachers are great in different ways. I am one of two guys in my Anal Lit class. No wonder I write like a chick.
Lately I've been researching law schools and stuff, since there is a definite time constraint on getting applications in, taking the LSAT and all that. My parents are gung-ho on it. Every time I read a "blawg" I get super nervous, because it just does not seem cool at all. But it's weird, because every lawyer I know has been a really cool person and seemed really happy with their lives. I've only known corporate counsel or independent lawyers, though, no examples of the BIGLAW life that I see portrayed in the popular online media. Plus, I seriously can't imagine not being in a band, and just going to classes right now is a strain on that, I'm not sure I am willing to put even more strain in the mix. So, I don't know what to think. Who knows. I have a while to decide all this though, since I won't actually graduate for another two years or so. It doesn't really keep me up at night, but it's something I think about from time to time.
The band has had its ups and downs. Recording really takes its toll on me, I have to admit. I mean, we are not making your average four-track garage band recording here. We're doing a full-on album, that (ideally) should sound just as good as one you pick up from some band on a major label. It's hard work. We haven't actually had band practice for a few months, because we haven't had a drummer. We have a new guy lined up, but since we're still finishing up the album, we haven't had a chance to practice with him. He's great and I'm positive he'll work out, so there's no doubt there. It's just a game of "hurry up and wait." Right now we have lead vocals left on a few songs (2 for me, 1 for Eric), a bit of editing, and some mixing to do. We *should* try and be done by the 15th, since our master is due by the 29th and we have to get in to a mastering session. It's crunch time, and I'm so tired that I'd rather write about my feelings than comp vocal takes together. Oh well. I'll get it done somehow.
So, between work and school and working on the record, I rarely have much time for my girlfriend, let alone reading a book or watching TV or whatever it is that normal people actually do. For the past, I dunno, two years or so, the only "free time" I've had is when I'm neglecting something else that needs to be done. I feel like my house is falling apart, I'm on track to miss my dad's birthday this week and I have laundry on the floor of my room that hasn't moved in months. But I can't really say that I hate my life or anything. It's just stressful right now. Once we get this record done (and I do think it will end soon, and with good results) I should be able to step back a bit and clear my head.
I think this is the longest thing I've ever posted here.
1 Kristen, I know you're the only one who reads this, but bear with me.
So, I have pretty much decided that I don't ever want to be a recording engineer for a living.
And I'm pretty sure I don't want to work in IT for the rest of my days either.
I'm reasonably certain that I am not going to be struck by lightning. And, since there's a far greater chance that I'll be struck by lightning than sell a million copies of this album that I'm working on, it makes sense to assume that worldwide rock stardom isn't in the cards for me either.
I've been a bartender before. Wouldn't want to do it as my only source of income. I guess I would if I had to.
Most of my life experiences have led me to see that maybe I'm just not cut out for certain things. Some people love bartending. More power to them. Not for me though. Same with IT. There's people out there who are probably foaming at the mouth for my job.
Meh.
Call 1:
Me: Hi, I need to buy some rails for two Dell servers. We need to move them into an EMC rack. There are two part numbers listed on your website, and I don't know what part number to put on the purchase order.
Dell Moron: Well ok there let me just get your phone number...
Me: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Dell Moron: Well I've got a bunch of listings here... Rattles off a few names...
Me: Yeah, those people all work with me. It doesn't matter, I just have a simple question.
Dell Moron: Well I'll just build a new profile for you here if you can give me some information...
Me: No, you don't understand, I'm not buying anything. I just have a question.
Dell Moron: Well I can't look anything up without a profile, and I need to look it up in the computer.
Me: You can't just pick one of the other profiles and use that?
Dell Moron: Not if I'm going to sell parts to you.
Me: But that's what I'm telling you, I'm not buying anything from you.
Dell Moron: We'd be done by now if you'd just give me some information.
Me: I don't think so.
Dell Moron: Thank you for choosing Dell! click
Call 2
Me: Hi, I need to buy some rails for two Dell servers. We need to move them into an EMC rack. There are two part numbers listed on your website, and I don't know what part number to put on the purchase order.
Dell Phonedroid: Not a problem, I should be able to help you with that. Can I get your phone number please?
Me: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Dell Phonedroid: Which servers are you trying to put into the racks?
Me: A PowerEdge 2850 and PowerEdge 2650.
Dell Phonedroid: Hmmm....
Me: I have the two part numbers here if that will help.
Dell Phonedroid: No, I have to look it up through my system. Let me get your email address and I'll email you the information.
Me: xxx@yyy.com
Dell Phonedroid: OK great I'll have that out to you in around 20 minutes. Thank you for choosing Dell!
Even though this guy was very friendly, I have still not received a response.
Call 3
This fine gentleman put me on hold, then hung up on me.
Update
The guy finally emailed me a quote. $500. That is refriggindiculous.
So, Mark isn't ready to commit the time we need him to in Counterpunch. It is totally understandable, since he's going to get married and he's got to drum up business for his studio in Chicago. Counterpunch has no drummer.
Why don't I just play the drums? Good fucking question.
I have come to the realization that many of my limitations in life are the direct result of failing to make a choice. I have always envied people who have one true calling. They love animals, so they become a vetrinarian. That is a good life.
I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just saying...
Catharsis: a sudden emotional breakdown or climax that constitutes overwhelming feelings of great pity, sorrow, laughter, or any extreme change in emotion that results in the renewal, restoration and revitalization for living.
It is garbage day today. I found some stuff I probably should have thrown out a long time ago.
I found forms with letterhead from the Catholic Church. The green form talked about requirements for photography and videography. A business card fell to the floor and contained the name of a string quartet that, long ago, someone thought just might be perfect for what we were looking for. The blue forms held important dates with meetings with priests and other couples that we never went to.
The folder from Chubb insurance welcomed us to the Chubb family and contained the details of our insurance policy. The insurance policy was for a 2/3 carat diamond ring. My mom did me the favor of disposing of that stone for me. The insurance forms got thrown on the top of the recycle bin, on the off chance that some thief might snoop through it at the dump and find her name and address and choose to steal her identity and make her life a living hell for the next seven years or so. Not that I'm vengeful or anything.
Christmas cards. Birthday cards. Little notes. A stuffed animal. Good fucking bye.
I want to say that I don't know why I didn't get rid of this stuff a long time ago, but I do. It was painful to see all this stuff one last time. If the house had burned down, I would have been glad to see those things burn with everything else. It was hard to pull the trigger myself though. Harder than it should have been, anyway.
In the end, it felt great.
Steady as she goes, mate. Steady as she goes.
Most of this stuff I really already knew already, but it's awe-inspiring to actually see it in action.
So I have been a busy little beaver setting up this blog and my photoblog. I have it all set up on Movable Type and there are some things I really like about it and some things that kind of suck.
I'm getting closer and closer to having a working photo blog. It's kind of exciting to see everything coming together. I was able to post a picture for my last "proper" blog post, as you can see... That's pretty exciting, too.
Still have some work to do, not the least of which is that I want to think of a more creative title for this blog than my freaking name. I have a love/hate relationship with my name. Sometimes I think it's cool, sometimes I think it's kind of lame.
I'm thinking about getting a flickr account, as a repository for the "lesser" of my photos. I'm thinking the photoblog will be a sort of gallery where I post my best stuff, and flickr would enable me to post photos of my family and stuff that is probably best seen only by my family and immediate friends. I'm pretty sure flickr allows you to password-protect certain directories, so it'd be cool to do that. Also, I haven't quite figured out commenting on the new photoblog...
I'm actually pretty self-conscious about publishing *any* of my photographs. When I was a kid I loved to draw, but I had quite a few bad experiences with art teachers in high school which pretty much turned me off to the "official" art world. As such I never really thought much of any artistic ability I had, and I pretty much neglected it. I have always loved things that are both technical and creative, and photography, like music, is both of those things. As I take more and more pictures, and really get to know the medium, I'm finding even more freedom than I really expected. I had a general idea of the "rule of thirds" and a fairly basic appreciation of color, but I'm finding it exceptionally challenging to try and capture what I find interesting about a scene. There's only one or two shots that I've taken -- out of thousands, I'm sure -- that really strike a chord in me.
It is a lot like music for me, in that certain aspects of photography are really awful and boring. If I hear one more screamo band I'll probably just punch a wall until my hands break. Similarly, pictures of flowers, portrait photography (other than some really weird fashion stuff), and most of the pictures I see on my coworkers' desks of their bright and talented and utterly boring kids almost make me lose faith that anyone can even appreciate what I'm trying to put across.
At the same time, I can listen to something off-the-wall, like old Oingo Boingo, and get inspired to write a fast punk anthem about soldiers in Iraq. I can look at a photo on Yahoo! News and see something that makes me try something different with my camera. The benefit of photography compared to music is that, in photography, at least with my digital SLR, the feedback is more or less instant. I can tell right away if a shot or sequence is going to work. With music, there's a long and often arduous process of recording, tweaking, developing, rewriting, and so forth that has to be done before you see a finished product -- if it even makes it that far. Much of it is dependent on your bandmembers' moods and your way of presenting it to them. Not that it's bad that way -- I love making music, don't get me wrong (and in particular, I love the band I'm in) -- it's just a different type of creativity.
I don't know. I'm just anxious to get the whole blog taken care of and get the photoblog off the ground. I have a ton of pictures to put out there.
